Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Yes, We're Still Alive!

Contrary to popular belief, The Ephemeris has not died and gone to hell simply because we haven't posted a blog update in over three months. We've just been really, REALLY busy. Here's a few updates:

European Distribution, Sexy Girls

Finally, you can order our mag in Europe at a fair price through Amazon Europe! Just like in the US, it's eligible for free Super Saver shipping when you hit a certain sum. (I can't decipher quid or Deutschmarks, but the numbers look pretty small).

Before this happened, we were in talks with a German distributor who gave us a few pointers in marketing to a Euro audience. "In America," began Col. Klink, "you put anysing vit nudity on top shelf in plastic bag. In Germany, nobody buy mega-seen unless it has naked girls." Huh... and here I thought we weren't selling as well as we should in Germany because we had terrible distribution there. Now I realize it was due to a lack of naked girls!

So we went to our readers, as always. We polled and questionnaired you to the breaking point and found out some interesting statistics:

  • Readership: 51% female, 48% male (I don't know what the other 1% is.)
  • Question: Would you like to see more photos of actual everyday people using snuff and snus?
  • Response: 88% yes, 11% no, 1% don't care
  • Question: Would you be interested in seeing pin-up/centerfold type photos presented in a tasteful manner?
  • Response: 86% yes, 13% no, 1% don't care
  • Question: In these photos, would you rather see women or men? 
  • Women: 94%, Both/Don't Care: 5%, Men: 1%.  

It seems that men and women alike want to see pictures of women using tobacco.So what did we do? Hire a bunch of models!

So in the next few issues of The Ephemeris, you're going to be seeing a lot more women in our pages. If the experiment backfires, and we get a bunch of angry feminist letters, we'll make a change. (Jennifer Goldsmith, our resident Canadian staffer, was excited by the prospect. "Hell, I'd pose naked for the Ephemeris! But then you'd go out of business.")

This isn't going to end up on the internet is it?

Play "Where's STE" at your local Barnes & Noble

So we're finally available at your local chain book stores. Or, at least we should be. You see, even though we're in the same giant catalog of magazine titles that every bookseller in the US uses, not every store on the list will take a chance on us. Even some of the chain stores are divided. I can buy a copy of the STE at Barnes & Noble locations all over North Carolina and California, but I go into South Carolina or Florida and we're nowhere to be found. Same way with Borders and Books-a-Million. 

So here's my biggest gripe with Barnes & Noble: the placement of The Ephemeris in each store. My local B&N sticks us between CIGAR SNOB and SKUNK MAGAZINE. Some stores we're mixed in with the literary magazines like the Oxford Hemingway Appreciation Bi-annual Journal. Some place us on the "Collectible Americana" rack next to the baseball card priceguides and vintage Lionel train collector quarterlys. Hell, one store had us on the "movie" rack next to Fangoria and Horrorhound! I'm starting to wonder if they're going to put us next to Gothic Beauty when we start running sexy lady pics.

But it's a small complaint. And if you've looked all over the newsstand and can't find the STE, go see if they have any in the back. If they don't, tell them to order you a copy. Under our contract, a B&N location MUST be able to provide their customers a copy of our magazine within 48 hours. 

The same is basically true for any independent bookseller. Give them the title of our publication (or the ISBN) and they should be able to order it for you with no problem. And when they order it, tell them to order a few more to actually keep in stock, fer crying out loud!



You guys have been asking for them since day one, and we're finally able to offer them. Beginning post-publication of Volume VI, we'll be offering a one year (four issue) subscription. The best part is that shipping within the USA WILL BE FREE. It will definitely be within your best financial interest to save money by buying them in advance and getting them a week before the newsstand does. (Remember, this won't kick in until AFTER Volume VI hits the stands, so the subscription will be for Volumes 7-10). 

More to come later!

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