Happy Valentine's Day

Even though it's a few days away, I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day to all of our readers, single or not. May Cupid's arrow slice straight thru your heart and cause massive internal hemorrhaging until you find your life mate.

Volume VII is out, with mainly positive reviews. The major error this issue (there's always at least one major error per issue) is that the spine reads "Volume One." I guess my "7" looks like a "1" so the printer got confused and misprinted the title. At least, that's the story I'm going with.

WE NEED YOUR FEEDBACK. What do you want to see in future issues? More of this, less of that, a little bit of something... just let us know where we can improve. Don't forget to write in and tell us. We always choose a "letter of the month" which entitles you to a free subscription, and we're also running our ongoing contest where we pick one lucky new subscriber to our blog, facebook or youtube page and set them up with a special gift.

From all of us here, thanks for reading and supporting the magazine, we can't do it without you!

Lotsa New Stuff On Sale Now!

First, from out of left field: The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris Volume One- Master Edition.

The Master Series is what we're calling our new series of reprints that will put our first four issues back into print in a deluxe format. It contains all of the content from the original printing, plus a couple dozen pages of bonus features. This new version is the same size and format as our current issues, NOT the digest-size of the original printings. One of the biggest complaints we've had about our new direction is that Volumes 5&6 completely dwarf Volumes 1-4 when placed on a bookshelf. Not anymore!

Ordinarily I discourage double dipping, but I wholeheartedly recommend buying the Master Series even if you own the original printings. There's just no comparison in quality. Plus, all the additional behind-the-scenes features won't be printed anywhere else, so you HAVE to buy this edition. It's the law.

Volumes 2-4 will be reprinted over the course of 2013. These are not available in b&m bookstores, only online at our site or from other retailers.

2. The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris Volume Seven

Due to hit stores Christmas Day, we're putting the finishing touches on our fourth quarter Winter special. It's got tons of great articles and is going to be another nice thick edition like our last one. Order it now and save 1.00 off the cover price!

3. Subscriptions!

It only took two years, but we were finally able to install a subscription delivery service. We've got a few different packages you can choose from. All subscriptions begin with the next issue. For example, Volume Seven comes out on December 25th, so if you order a sub between now and then, it will start with Volume 7. After December 25th, it will begin with Volume Eight. Confused? There's more!

The GREAT news is that US subscribers will get free shipping (a 16.00 value)! The bad news is that we couldn't offer our international subscribers free shipping. We're really sorry for our friends in Europe, Oz and Africa. But that doesn't mean you can't still get free stuff out of us:

4. Contest!

 

Frankly, our social media sites are looking pretty dead. Our blog page, our Facebook page and our Youtube videos aren’t getting any hits. You would think that we had a circulation of 40 copies or so by the looks of things. This doesn’t really inspire confidence in an on-the-fence customer or retailer. Who wants to order three copies of a magazine that only has 46 views of their latest Youtube commercial? (We wouldn’t.)

So we’re bribing (err... “reaching out to”) our readers for help. Watch those videos. Like them. Subscribe to our blog. Connect with us on Facebook and give us a thumbs up for every stupid post we make, just as you do for that hot girl you know from Starbucks who always writes something like “LOL jst walked into a wall” and ends up getting 2,366 ‘likes.’ Be our pals.

Each month, we’ll choose one lucky (?) poster from each outlet to win a random prize. It could be a year’s subscription to the magazine. It could be a rare, out of print back issue. It could be some of the free stuff that we get at conventions and have no use for. (Ooohh... check out this neat USB Flash Drive carrying pouch they gave us in Louisiana!) Or it could be cash money! (Actually, no it can’t. We’re broke.)

If only half of our readership were to connect with us on Facebook or Youtube, we would have thousands of internet “friends,” which we all know are more important than the real-life kind. So head over to these sites and get bizaay:

Facebook

Youtube

5. Super Secret Special Publication

If you've heard rumors that the STE has put together a special Holiday publication, you heard right. We're not advertising it anywhere but in Volume Seven. Supplies are extremely limited and all proceeds will be donated to charity. See our ad in that issue to find out the details. In short, you'll be helping a good cause, getting a rare book, and the donation is pretty cheap to boot. The only hint is that it will make a great stocking stuffer for children or adults, and we say that without the slightest bit of sarcasm.

...till next time!

STE Volume VI

We want to thank you all for making this issue our most memorable yet! If you haven't bought your copy yet, get it here: http://www.stephemeris.com/page7.html

I have noticed that the printers screwed up one page. This is how page 35 was supposed to look, but the graphic on the right got chopped off, leaving a big blank space. Sorry for the mixup.

 

Sorry for the delay...

Volume VI should have shipped out last Tuesday, but we're still waiting on the printer to get done with them. Apparently since we're sixty pages bigger than our last issue, we broke all the printing presses or something. Anyway, word is that it should start shipping next week (week of October 15th) so let's all hope this is true.

Meanwhile, the digital edition started shipping yesterday, so there's one small consolation. Reader feedback so far has been incredible, so if you haven't yet ordered your copy, DO IT!

www.STEphemeris.com

Sexist, Sexy or Stupid?

Our newest ad. I'll let it speak for itself.

Photoshoot

We did a photoshoot the other day for the next couple of issues and things kept going horribly wrong.

First, there was the girl trapped in the closet:

Then when they started eating her liver, it kind of creeped us out.

Then there was the girl we hired to model the new General can, but instead she crawled in a bathtub full of human blood and started moaning:

After that, we pretty much just gave up and took pictures of trees and houses and stuff.

Yes, We're Still Alive!

Contrary to popular belief, The Ephemeris has not died and gone to hell simply because we haven't posted a blog update in over three months. We've just been really, REALLY busy. Here's a few updates:

European Distribution, Sexy Girls

Finally, you can order our mag in Europe at a fair price through Amazon Europe! Just like in the US, it's eligible for free Super Saver shipping when you hit a certain sum. (I can't decipher quid or Deutschmarks, but the numbers look pretty small).

Before this happened, we were in talks with a German distributor who gave us a few pointers in marketing to a Euro audience. "In America," began Col. Klink, "you put anysing vit nudity on top shelf in plastic bag. In Germany, nobody buy mega-seen unless it has naked girls." Huh... and here I thought we weren't selling as well as we should in Germany because we had terrible distribution there. Now I realize it was due to a lack of naked girls!

So we went to our readers, as always. We polled and questionnaired you to the breaking point and found out some interesting statistics:

• Readership: 51% female, 48% male (I don't know what the other 1% is.)

• Question: Would you like to see more photos of actual everyday people using snuff and snus?
• Response: 88% yes, 11% no, 1% don't care

• Question: Would you be interested in seeing pin-up/centerfold type photos presented in a tasteful manner?
• Response: 86% yes, 13% no, 1% don't care

• Question: In these photos, would you rather see women or men? 
• Women: 94%, Both/Don't Care: 5%, Men: 1%.  

It seems that men and women alike want to see pictures of women using tobacco.So what did we do? Hire a bunch of models!

So in the next few issues of The Ephemeris, you're going to be seeing a lot more women in our pages. If the experiment backfires, and we get a bunch of angry feminist letters, we'll make a change. (Jennifer Goldsmith, our resident Canadian staffer, was excited by the prospect. "Hell, I'd pose naked for the Ephemeris! But then you'd go out of business.")

This isn't going to end up on the internet is it?

Play "Where's STE" at your local Barnes & Noble

So we're finally available at your local chain book stores. Or, at least we should be. You see, even though we're in the same giant catalog of magazine titles that every bookseller in the US uses, not every store on the list will take a chance on us. Even some of the chain stores are divided. I can buy a copy of the STE at Barnes & Noble locations all over North Carolina and California, but I go into South Carolina or Florida and we're nowhere to be found. Same way with Borders and Books-a-Million. 

So here's my biggest gripe with Barnes & Noble: the placement of The Ephemeris in each store. My local B&N sticks us between CIGAR SNOB and SKUNK MAGAZINE. Some stores we're mixed in with the literary magazines like the Oxford Hemingway Appreciation Bi-annual Journal. Some place us on the "Collectible Americana" rack next to the baseball card priceguides and vintage Lionel train collector quarterlys. Hell, one store had us on the "movie" rack next to Fangoria and Horrorhound! I'm starting to wonder if they're going to put us next to Gothic Beauty when we start running sexy lady pics.

But it's a small complaint. And if you've looked all over the newsstand and can't find the STE, go see if they have any in the back. If they don't, tell them to order you a copy. Under our contract, a B&N location MUST be able to provide their customers a copy of our magazine within 48 hours. 

The same is basically true for any independent bookseller. Give them the title of our publication (or the ISBN) and they should be able to order it for you with no problem. And when they order it, tell them to order a few more to actually keep in stock, fer crying out loud!

Subscriptions

 

You guys have been asking for them since day one, and we're finally able to offer them. Beginning post-publication of Volume VI, we'll be offering a one year (four issue) subscription. The best part is that shipping within the USA WILL BE FREE. It will definitely be within your best financial interest to save money by buying them in advance and getting them a week before the newsstand does. (Remember, this won't kick in until AFTER Volume VI hits the stands, so the subscription will be for Volumes 7-10). 

More to come later!