Volume One back for pre-order

We've got the new remastered edition of our first issue up for pre-order here!

It's here! Almost ...

The new issue is right on schedule... for the most part. I've got the first copy off the press today and overall I'm impressed with the results. I stopped into the bindery today and got to see the first batch rolling off the presses. While I was there, I added a special "finishing touch" to the first case of issues. These will go out to the earliest pre-orders we received, so if you placed your order within the first week of February there's a good chance you'll be getting one of these special editions.

Someone emailed me earlier and asked when he can expect to receive his issue. That's a good question, and I'll try to explain it as best as possible here.

When the bindery is finished with all the books (late Monday night 2/28), all of the copies are split into two groups. One group of books stays at the bindery; these are the newsstand copies. They are mailed out from the bindery straight to the newsstands and stores that sell our magazine. The reason that we don't handle these copies ourselves is because we're fortunate to have a printer that offers free shipment to distributors if they order a set amount of issues from us. That saved us a lot of time this issue compared to last issue, when I spent an entire week shipping out the newsstand editions.

The second group of magazines are the important ones. These are cased up and delivered to our personal shipping department, who then mails them all out to you. Our shipping department consists of only one person: the Hardest Working Man in Snuff Business, Jasper Jones. Jasper is a good friend of ours who has been in the drop-ship business for years and works out of his home, where he is sometimes assisted by the lovely Ms. Jones and one or more of their children.

Jasper is faxed a list of all the orders that have come in for this issue, and he chronologically goes down the list printing envelopes and double checking the addresses. Then he puts the books in and seals the envelope and crosses the order off his list. Sounds simple right? It is. The hard part is doing this over and over again, a thousand times a day without blowing your brains out or wiping out your family. (Trust me on this. Before we found Jasper, me and a friend of mine were trying to handle most of the shipping. We were lucky to get 100 copies done in a 12 hour period.) How he does this is beyond me.

So then, by the time 3:30 rolls around, Jasper gathers all the issues up that are ready to ship and hands them to Ms. Jones, who goes down to the post office and mails them out. Usually she's finished by about 4:15, right when the Postal Workers start turning off the lights and locking the doors. Meanwhile, Jasper keeps stuffing envelopes until he passes out at his desk. Then he wakes up and does it all over again.

So, it's true that Volume II starts shipping March 1st, just like we announced. But it's also true that it takes a few days to get all of the orders out, so your issue might not ship until March 4th or 5th (at the latest). We don't want anyone to think we're holding their issue or we forgot to ship it; we're just such a small operation that it takes Jasper a few days to get all the copies out.

We initially scheduled the book to get printed on the 24th, which would have given Jasper a few days worth of jump time to get the packaging done and have all of them ready to ship by tomorrow. We hit a couple of delays at the last minute (we had a new advertiser come out of nowhere and we had to excise an article at the last minute due to legal red tape) so we didn't get everything out to the printer until last night. We're all working double time and I've slept about four hours in the last two days, so if you spot any weird typos or inaccurate photo captions in this new issue, blame it on my insomnia and diligent work ethic.

Or blame it on Jasper. He's used to it.


 

New issue up for pre-order!

 Finally, our new issue is up for pre-order HERE.

Here's just a partial listing of its contents:

NOT ALL SNUFF IS MADE WITH TOBACCO (Interview with Aaron Young)
SNUS KING (Ljunglöf bio Part Two)
INTERVIEW WITH JEFF STIER by Anthony Haddad
BILL JOHNSON pens a piece on flavored tobacco of the Depression era
NIGEL McCARRON investigates the resurgence of the Snuff Culture
THE PHANTOMS OF SHEFFIELD (Gillian Bromley recounts her ghostly encounters at Top Mill)
THE ‘LEGAL WEED’ INDUSTRY (James Walter examines its impact on American tobacco users)
THE SNUS MOOSE (Award-winning short story by Howard Sivertson)
MICAH RIMEL takes aim with his patented snuff shooting Derringer!
JENNIFER GOLDSMITH shares her trials and tribulations as a Canadian snuffer and snuser
THE NAKED SNUSER: read about the guy who exposes his genitalia when buying snus
SIMON HANDELSMEN kicks off his new column with a retrospective on 18th Century snuffboxes

All of these, plus our regular features and columns, and some awesome surprises! We're still adding pages even now as we're going to press, so there's no telling what may pop up along the way.

Order your copy today!

The Lame Monster

Now that the recent bruhaha over our controversial New Year's Blog has died down (except for the anonymous commentator who feels that we're also racist towards Swedes), we've all been working hard trying to get the new issue finished. Something happened today that made me stop and reflect on the recent trends in magazine publishing. (Let's see how many people I offend with this post!)

While touching up an article this morning, the phone rang. The number came up anonymous, so I figured it was some type of telemarketing thing.

"Hello?" I asked, as best I could. I had a triple root canal done the other day and my jaw is still swollen almost completely shut. I've not been a happy camper the last few days.

"HELLO," I growled. There was nothing but silence on the other end of the line, and then all of the sudden it sounded like someone had dropped their phone in a strip club. Loud, obnoxious carnival music filled my ear and a flurry of angry sounding background voices hummed and buzzed. Then a new voice took the line, drowning out all of the background commotion.

"Yes, Mr. Hurlburld," the voice said. "Mr. Hurlburld." More carnival music.

"This is Mr. Hubbard." Silence again.

"Mr. Hurlburld, this is James sir, how are you today in?" The voice reminded me of this Indian guy named Prakish that I used to buy my cigarettes from.

"Not too good," I answered.

"Very good sir," ‘James’ shot back. "I am calling you today about your magazine. What is it?"

"Was that a question?" I honestly didn't know.

 "Yes, what sir is your magazine?" James asked.

"The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris". No answer for about ten seconds.

"Oh very good. Well sir I am calling you today because I represent a firm that represents all of the top women's magazines in your nation with an offer that is guaranteed to increase your revenue 100%. Do you wish to hear more?"

 "Yeah, I'd love to hear how to increase the revenue of my women's magazine 100%," I told him.

 "Great then sir. Are you familiar with... with..." he struggled to remember the word. "With photographs?"

"Photographs... hmmm. No, I've never heard of him. Who is photographs?" I smiled a little even though it made my jaw hurt.

"Well sir my firm is for photographs, and we supply all the top magazines like Glamour, Time, People, and Good Housekeeping with photographs for magazines."

Ah-ha! Finally got to the point. A stock photo agency that wants me to buy some of their crappy public domain photos to use in my magazine.
 
On and on ‘James’ went about how great and exclusive his firm's photos were. And how reasonable their rates were. And how many hundreds of magazine covers they supplied.

"Which ones?" I asked.

"Which what?" he asked.

"Which award-winning cover photographs have come from your firm?"

"Oh, Lady Gaga."

"Lady Gaga?"

"Sir, yes, Lady Gaga."

"Which Lady Gaga cover was yours?" I asked. I didn't hear anything for about ten seconds. Then he answered me:

"Yes. Lady Gaga."

"So... all of the Lady Gaga covers came from you?"

".... sir, yes. And they are best seller."

"Well dang. That's exciting." It really was. I thought all those Lady Gaga covers came from different photographers. Turns out that they're all the work of a stock photo agency. (James was right about one thing:  apparently 2010's best selling magazines all featured Lady Gaga on the cover. The worst selling titles all featured Taylor Swift on the cover. Go figure.)

After telling James that I appreciated his time and effort, I just wasn't interested in paying for stock photos. He seemed really upset about the whole thing. He pleaded with me to hear about his other special offers, but I just couldn't bring myself to say "yes" to any of them. I finally had to tell James to stop talking and to never contact me again for anything.

As pointless as that little anecdote may seem to you, it did give me the inspiration to create a cover for the next issue of the Ephemeris that may be more in line with what contemporary readers wish to see from us.

The United Colors of Snuff

Well, the PC crowd is out on the prowl and they've chastised me for using the "N word" in our last blog. It's a shame when in this day and age a man can't quote a Wu-Tang lyric or a famous line from the Chappelle Show's first season without being branded an offensive racist.

The line "niggas so stingy, they got short arms and deep pockets" was taken from the 1993 song Protect Ya Neck. GZA was describing the greed and shortsightedness rampant in the music industry at the time. I thought it was a perfect descriptor of our plight with advertisers. Apparently I'm not allowed to quote that song because I'm not black. Sorry.

The photo of GZA saying "You've got to diversify your marketing approach, nigga" is a paraphrase of the classic Wu-Tang Financial skit from the Dave Chappelle Show. In the skit, GZA tells an elderly white couple that they've "got to diversify your bonds, nigga." I thought that everyone in the free world has seen this sketch by now. Seriously, go up to anyone under the age of forty and say "You've got to diversify your bonds, nigga" and they'll know exactly what you're referencing. Then they'll probably ask you why you're referencing a MEME that died out almost ten years ago. That's when you counter with an "I'm Rick James, bitch" and they'll walk away realizing that you're just really behind the times.

We at The Ephemeris care little about what the PC crowd thinks of us, but we do acknowledge them as a genuine threat to independent thought and race relations in America. That's why I'm addressing the issue right now before we have another Mohammed the Prophet cartoon situation on our hands.

None of us at the Ephemeris are racist. Many of us are multi-racial, and at least two of our staff writers are black. Micah Rimel, our managing editor is a really dark-featured Swarthy type. We think he's Mexican, but he claims to be a Mongol. Or an Indian. You know, not the Indian-type of Indian, but the American type of Indian. Either way, he's pretty dark. Here's a portrait of Micah:

We can all take a joke. You can make fun of my Anglo-Saxon heritage all day and I won't break a sweat. Hell, throw in a swipe at Cherokee Indians and I'm ROTFLMAO. We have thick skin, no matter the color. That's what makes us American. (And Canadian). We're not bothered by name calling, and to call us ignorant or racist because we don't censor ourselves for your benefit only displays your own inherent racist tendencies.

For the six people that found our previous blog offensive, there was 362 others that didn't. I like those figures. It means that we're really progressing in this country, and not in the fake liberal sense of the word- it means that we've progressed to the point where satire and humor are no longer confused with racism by the community as a whole. If we work really hard, we can all help to reverse the damage that the PC 90's laid to race relations in the USA.

I hope that one day, we can all sit together on a couch and exchange jokes and anecdotes rife with "forbidden" words and ideas that aren't meant to be exchanged across cultural barriers. It's what we do at The Ephemeris. And I hope it's what you do in your own living room. 

                                      (Note: this photo is obviously staged. White people
                                       are never this funny around black people. )


In a way, I'm kind of glad that there was a tsk-tsking from the vocal minority. It shows us that people are paying attention. It also shows that there still exists a segment of our readership that doesn't "get" what we're about. We're not intentionally provocative, but if you found this post offensive, then you probably won't like our second issue.

Either way, we thank you for reading, and hope that you'll continue to buy our magazine, especially now that you know we're not really racists.

RW "Some of my best friends are Liberal" Hubbard














 

Happy New Year from the Ephemeris!

To all our readers and associates, we want to wish you a happy New Year. We hope you've all had a great holiday season.

Our new issue is coming along nicely. We've located a competent and professional printer to handle Volume 2. V2 is going to be bigger and snazzier than Volume One was, and it's more in line with what I wanted the first issue to look like. It should be out in February.

GOOD NEWS: For those of you that missed the first issue, it will be reprinted simultaneously with V2 in an as-yet-unspecified quantity. There were many errors rampant in the first printing, and this second run will be more of a "director's cut" of Volume 1. Keep your eyes peeled, because when this printing is gone, it will be gone for good.

BAD NEWS: Due to an overwhelming lack of support from the tobacco industry, we have no choice but to increase the cover price of The Ephemeris. Here's what happened:

When our first issue went to print, we didn't solicit any advertisers aside from a few of our close, trusted friends. We didn't want to answer a bunch of questions about our magazine- rather, we wanted to say ‘Here's the magazine, see for yourself.’What we ended up with was a bunch of companies that pledged to buy ad space for the second issue, just as we had planned.

What we didn't plan on was almost all of the companies going back on their word and reneging on their pledges. Some wanted us to place shill reviews for their products in exchange for buying ad space. We responded by refusing to run reviews for any products manufactured by our advertisers. They didn't like that, so away they went.

One company wanted pertinent circulation records before placing an ad. This would have entailed us sharing the billing information of all of our customers that purchased the first issue. It will indeed be a very cold day in hell before something like that takes place. Tobacco companies may be used to backhanded business deals, but we at The Ephemeris are not shysty devils. And so another one bit the dust.

Other companies are so mired in red tape that getting anyone to commit to anything is some sort of Kafkaesque bureaucratic nightmare. I'm slowly understanding that the Swedish way of doing business is to talk you into circles until you eventually go away. "Sure, we'd love to run an ad. Talk to so-and-so." After speaking to sixty different individuals who all claim that they have no authority in such matters, you finally just go all the way to the top and talk to the Chief CEO who says "I have no authority in such matters."

How anything ever gets done in Sweden is beyond me. It's no wonder that the Chinese now own Volvo.

Let me make this clear for all of the major Scandinavian tobacco manufacturers: you have all been contacted by a member of the Ephemeris staff. If you are interested in placing an ad, please contact Mick Hellwig at M.Hellwig@STephemeris.com. It's really that simple.

And finally, there are those companies that are just... cheap. They're willing to sink thousands of dollars into internet spam marketing, but they're unwilling to drop a few hundred dollars on a print ad for a magazine that is purchased in almost 25 countries. To quote the GZA; "Niggas so stingy, they got short arms and deep pockets."

 

So until these companies heed the words from the Genius, we'll have to increase our cover price to help to cover the cost of printing. It sucks, but it was inevitable.

The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris will still be a bargain compared to most specialty/niche magazines. Many of our peers in the independent publishing business are charging 12.00 and up for quarterly mags printed on cheap stock with lower page counts than our Ephemeris. And these are publications with advertisements.

So while the situation is not to our liking, we'll keep on trucking despite the odds. When we put out our first issue, there were only two factions involved, us and you- the readers. As long as we have you, we don't need anything else.

Here's to a fantastic 2011 for you and yours!
RW Hubbard

Happy Thanksgiving! What's wrong with Canada?

Here in the US, today is Thanksgiving. This is an excuse for most of us to celebrate our blessings by having a feast of turkey with our family. We want to thank our family of readers for the overwhelming support you've given us since we started. We're working hard on Volume II to make it better than the first issue.

While many of the improvements will have to remain top secret until vII hits the stands, we can hint at the following tidbits:

1. More content. We're not positive of the page count, but it's going to be bigger than issue one.
2. Wider format. The book is going to be slightly wider than issue one, meaning that we can cram even more spurious knowledge into each page.
3. New writers. We're glad that you liked the featured authors in vI, but be prepared for some fresh faces in vII. 
4. Better print quality. No more smudged, crappy or blurred pics or ink. We hope. 
5. But most importantly:

PERFECT BINDING. The first issue featured a stapled edge. While infinitely more durable than a glued spine, the saddle stitched format is not without its limitations. For one, there's only so many pages you can staple together. Perfect bound (aka square bound) books don't have a limit. Secondly, the main complaint I heard about vI was "I really wish that it had a thick spine with a printed title, so that I can display it on my shelf with my other books." We agree. (See, I told you that we listen to what you guys want!) So let it be written, so let it be done.

So happy Thanksgiving to all of our readers across the globe, and know that we appreciate each and every one of you. Now, to address a topic that really sticks in my craw...


 What the heck is wrong with the Canadian Postal System ?!?!?!?!


First off, their rates are ridiculous compared to the USPS. Do they handle each parcel with a velvet glove and sing it to sleep with a Canadian lullaby? Nope. They ignore the parcels and lock them in a deep, dark basement for weeks on end like Jame ‘Buffalo Bill’ Gumb. Then, when they run out of room in their cavernous warehouse of horror, they bulldoze the packages into the back of a horse-drawn wooden caravan and send it out for delivery. This delivery can take several days or several weeks, depending on the age and general health of the horse. At least, that's how I understand the process.

Secondly, why the HELL do they insist on keeping USA-shipped packages held up in customs for weeks on end? Do they think that my obvious shipment of a digest-sized magazine contains drugs or weapons? It makes no sense. And it shows the arrogance and corruption of a bloated government bureaucracy. 

Now, the advice I kept hearing about shipping to Canada was to send it Priority Mail, as it would get there quicker and it could be tracked. So the first couple of issues that I shipped to Canada were sent Priority, until I realized that it cost about twenty dollars to ship one issue. Yeah, I love our Canadian readers, but I don't love them that much, heh heh.

Know that whoever tells you that shipping via Priority Mail is quicker than First Class to Canada is lying through their teeth. It makes no difference. The orders that we shipped to Canada were mailed out on 11/3-11/5. They are all still sitting in Canadian customs. Yep, three weeks. That's piss poor service. If I were Canadian, I would revolt. Oh wait, I forgot. Your government has effectively disarmed you so that you can't revolt. D'oh!

If you've ordered from Canada then I sincerely apologize for your book not getting there. We did ship them out, and they all got there on 11/6 and 11/8. Once it hits the border, it's out of our control. I love the Canadian people and their beautiful country, but I hate their postal system and government. To end on a positive note, I'll post the following letter from another Canadian, our featured columnist Jennifer Goldsmith:

Robbie,

I got your packet of books today. I'm pretty sure that you didn't rip the box open and stomp up and down on the magazines until they were tattered and torn, but that's the shape that they arrived in. (Sigh.) Gotta love Canada. On the upshot, they got here in 4.5 weeks, which is a pretty good for our customs officials! You might want to post something on the site that mentions orders to Canada might take up to a month to arrive, you never know. 

      Jenny 


So, dear reader, don't feel bad. Not only do they hold up shipments to our readers, but they actually mangle packages sent to our columnists. That's sad.

Happy Thanksgiving!
RWH