Volume Nine. Happy New Year!

Even though this blog has been largely dormant for this past year, we haven't forgotten about you, our reader. We've been working on increasing our distribution in the known world pretty hard all year, and a number of personal setbacks among the editorial and writing staff has led to us to producing only two issues for 2013- Volumes 8 & 9.

First off, the folks who prepaid for the Volume Two reprint have been refunded, since we have no idea when the next reprint issue will be ready. We're sorry for the mixup.

Secondly, I apologize for the way the cover to issue nine turned out. Here's how I originally designed the cover:

Here's how the printer "re-interpreted" the same image:

I guess the "abstract" design of my draft was too much for the printer to handle, so we ended up with a "Christmas green" bordered design with no title on the spine. Thanks fellas; I know I signed a contract that stipulated that the cover could be altered to meet printing requirements, but you've really outdone yourselves this time.

If I had contested the cover, this issue wouldn't come out until sometime in February. So I chose to accept the image as it was. For right or for wrong, this is Volume Nine. It is available now at our website: www.STephemeris.com

We've also chosen to use this blog to highlight pages from our previous issues for those who would like a preview of what they're buying before they get it. We're beginning with this current issue. Again, if you like what you see, head over to our website and order as many copies as you can afford, then sell them on the black market to people who aren't aware we exist.

We've also had a chance to number our "first day" printings. The first 500 copies will be signed and numbered by the publisher. Boom- instant collector's item at no extra charge!

On with the previews. Happy New Year from The Ephemeris!

See ya next time!

Volume 8- In Stores Now!

Well, it took forever, but we have finally whipped up the eighth Volume of The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris. It's all killer, no filler. I could go through a long list of why this is the best issue we've come up with so far, but I'll refrain from spoiling the surprises we have waiting for you.

You can order your copy directly from us at www.STEphemeris.com  or you can go hunting for it at the bookstore (good luck...)

In the meantime, here's our new commercial. For some reason Youtube refuses to let us post our videos in 4:3 size anymore, so we apologize for the artificially stretched 16x9 widescreen ratio.

Happy reading!

PS, the awesome cover was painted by Ohio's own Rob Jones. You should go check out his website for more of his unique style of "found art": robjonesfolkart.blogspot.com

Take care, and we'll be seeing you in a couple of months.

Happy Valentine's Day

Even though it's a few days away, I just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day to all of our readers, single or not. May Cupid's arrow slice straight thru your heart and cause massive internal hemorrhaging until you find your life mate.

Volume VII is out, with mainly positive reviews. The major error this issue (there's always at least one major error per issue) is that the spine reads "Volume One." I guess my "7" looks like a "1" so the printer got confused and misprinted the title. At least, that's the story I'm going with.

WE NEED YOUR FEEDBACK. What do you want to see in future issues? More of this, less of that, a little bit of something... just let us know where we can improve. Don't forget to write in and tell us. We always choose a "letter of the month" which entitles you to a free subscription, and we're also running our ongoing contest where we pick one lucky new subscriber to our blog, facebook or youtube page and set them up with a special gift.

From all of us here, thanks for reading and supporting the magazine, we can't do it without you!

Lotsa New Stuff On Sale Now!

First, from out of left field: The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris Volume One- Master Edition.

The Master Series is what we're calling our new series of reprints that will put our first four issues back into print in a deluxe format. It contains all of the content from the original printing, plus a couple dozen pages of bonus features. This new version is the same size and format as our current issues, NOT the digest-size of the original printings. One of the biggest complaints we've had about our new direction is that Volumes 5&6 completely dwarf Volumes 1-4 when placed on a bookshelf. Not anymore!

Ordinarily I discourage double dipping, but I wholeheartedly recommend buying the Master Series even if you own the original printings. There's just no comparison in quality. Plus, all the additional behind-the-scenes features won't be printed anywhere else, so you HAVE to buy this edition. It's the law.

Volumes 2-4 will be reprinted over the course of 2013. These are not available in b&m bookstores, only online at our site or from other retailers.

2. The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris Volume Seven

Due to hit stores Christmas Day, we're putting the finishing touches on our fourth quarter Winter special. It's got tons of great articles and is going to be another nice thick edition like our last one. Order it now and save 1.00 off the cover price!

3. Subscriptions!

It only took two years, but we were finally able to install a subscription delivery service. We've got a few different packages you can choose from. All subscriptions begin with the next issue. For example, Volume Seven comes out on December 25th, so if you order a sub between now and then, it will start with Volume 7. After December 25th, it will begin with Volume Eight. Confused? There's more!

The GREAT news is that US subscribers will get free shipping (a 16.00 value)! The bad news is that we couldn't offer our international subscribers free shipping. We're really sorry for our friends in Europe, Oz and Africa. But that doesn't mean you can't still get free stuff out of us:

4. Contest!

 

Frankly, our social media sites are looking pretty dead. Our blog page, our Facebook page and our Youtube videos aren’t getting any hits. You would think that we had a circulation of 40 copies or so by the looks of things. This doesn’t really inspire confidence in an on-the-fence customer or retailer. Who wants to order three copies of a magazine that only has 46 views of their latest Youtube commercial? (We wouldn’t.)

So we’re bribing (err... “reaching out to”) our readers for help. Watch those videos. Like them. Subscribe to our blog. Connect with us on Facebook and give us a thumbs up for every stupid post we make, just as you do for that hot girl you know from Starbucks who always writes something like “LOL jst walked into a wall” and ends up getting 2,366 ‘likes.’ Be our pals.

Each month, we’ll choose one lucky (?) poster from each outlet to win a random prize. It could be a year’s subscription to the magazine. It could be a rare, out of print back issue. It could be some of the free stuff that we get at conventions and have no use for. (Ooohh... check out this neat USB Flash Drive carrying pouch they gave us in Louisiana!) Or it could be cash money! (Actually, no it can’t. We’re broke.)

If only half of our readership were to connect with us on Facebook or Youtube, we would have thousands of internet “friends,” which we all know are more important than the real-life kind. So head over to these sites and get bizaay:

Facebook

Youtube

5. Super Secret Special Publication

If you've heard rumors that the STE has put together a special Holiday publication, you heard right. We're not advertising it anywhere but in Volume Seven. Supplies are extremely limited and all proceeds will be donated to charity. See our ad in that issue to find out the details. In short, you'll be helping a good cause, getting a rare book, and the donation is pretty cheap to boot. The only hint is that it will make a great stocking stuffer for children or adults, and we say that without the slightest bit of sarcasm.

...till next time!

STE Volume VI

We want to thank you all for making this issue our most memorable yet! If you haven't bought your copy yet, get it here: http://www.stephemeris.com/page7.html

I have noticed that the printers screwed up one page. This is how page 35 was supposed to look, but the graphic on the right got chopped off, leaving a big blank space. Sorry for the mixup.

 

Sorry for the delay...

Volume VI should have shipped out last Tuesday, but we're still waiting on the printer to get done with them. Apparently since we're sixty pages bigger than our last issue, we broke all the printing presses or something. Anyway, word is that it should start shipping next week (week of October 15th) so let's all hope this is true.

Meanwhile, the digital edition started shipping yesterday, so there's one small consolation. Reader feedback so far has been incredible, so if you haven't yet ordered your copy, DO IT!

www.STEphemeris.com

Sexist, Sexy or Stupid?

Our newest ad. I'll let it speak for itself.

Photoshoot

We did a photoshoot the other day for the next couple of issues and things kept going horribly wrong.

First, there was the girl trapped in the closet:

Then when they started eating her liver, it kind of creeped us out.

Then there was the girl we hired to model the new General can, but instead she crawled in a bathtub full of human blood and started moaning:

After that, we pretty much just gave up and took pictures of trees and houses and stuff.

Yes, We're Still Alive!

Contrary to popular belief, The Ephemeris has not died and gone to hell simply because we haven't posted a blog update in over three months. We've just been really, REALLY busy. Here's a few updates:

European Distribution, Sexy Girls

Finally, you can order our mag in Europe at a fair price through Amazon Europe! Just like in the US, it's eligible for free Super Saver shipping when you hit a certain sum. (I can't decipher quid or Deutschmarks, but the numbers look pretty small).

Before this happened, we were in talks with a German distributor who gave us a few pointers in marketing to a Euro audience. "In America," began Col. Klink, "you put anysing vit nudity on top shelf in plastic bag. In Germany, nobody buy mega-seen unless it has naked girls." Huh... and here I thought we weren't selling as well as we should in Germany because we had terrible distribution there. Now I realize it was due to a lack of naked girls!

So we went to our readers, as always. We polled and questionnaired you to the breaking point and found out some interesting statistics:

• Readership: 51% female, 48% male (I don't know what the other 1% is.)

• Question: Would you like to see more photos of actual everyday people using snuff and snus?
• Response: 88% yes, 11% no, 1% don't care

• Question: Would you be interested in seeing pin-up/centerfold type photos presented in a tasteful manner?
• Response: 86% yes, 13% no, 1% don't care

• Question: In these photos, would you rather see women or men? 
• Women: 94%, Both/Don't Care: 5%, Men: 1%.  

It seems that men and women alike want to see pictures of women using tobacco.So what did we do? Hire a bunch of models!

So in the next few issues of The Ephemeris, you're going to be seeing a lot more women in our pages. If the experiment backfires, and we get a bunch of angry feminist letters, we'll make a change. (Jennifer Goldsmith, our resident Canadian staffer, was excited by the prospect. "Hell, I'd pose naked for the Ephemeris! But then you'd go out of business.")

This isn't going to end up on the internet is it?

Play "Where's STE" at your local Barnes & Noble

So we're finally available at your local chain book stores. Or, at least we should be. You see, even though we're in the same giant catalog of magazine titles that every bookseller in the US uses, not every store on the list will take a chance on us. Even some of the chain stores are divided. I can buy a copy of the STE at Barnes & Noble locations all over North Carolina and California, but I go into South Carolina or Florida and we're nowhere to be found. Same way with Borders and Books-a-Million. 

So here's my biggest gripe with Barnes & Noble: the placement of The Ephemeris in each store. My local B&N sticks us between CIGAR SNOB and SKUNK MAGAZINE. Some stores we're mixed in with the literary magazines like the Oxford Hemingway Appreciation Bi-annual Journal. Some place us on the "Collectible Americana" rack next to the baseball card priceguides and vintage Lionel train collector quarterlys. Hell, one store had us on the "movie" rack next to Fangoria and Horrorhound! I'm starting to wonder if they're going to put us next to Gothic Beauty when we start running sexy lady pics.

But it's a small complaint. And if you've looked all over the newsstand and can't find the STE, go see if they have any in the back. If they don't, tell them to order you a copy. Under our contract, a B&N location MUST be able to provide their customers a copy of our magazine within 48 hours. 

The same is basically true for any independent bookseller. Give them the title of our publication (or the ISBN) and they should be able to order it for you with no problem. And when they order it, tell them to order a few more to actually keep in stock, fer crying out loud!

Subscriptions

 

You guys have been asking for them since day one, and we're finally able to offer them. Beginning post-publication of Volume VI, we'll be offering a one year (four issue) subscription. The best part is that shipping within the USA WILL BE FREE. It will definitely be within your best financial interest to save money by buying them in advance and getting them a week before the newsstand does. (Remember, this won't kick in until AFTER Volume VI hits the stands, so the subscription will be for Volumes 7-10). 

More to come later!

Volume Five... On Sale NOW!

Available here on our site

(Note: if you subscribe to our newsletter, feel free to skip this blog as it's pretty much the same info you've already read.)

Our Spring issue is on the way, and we’ve completely rebuilt our format. Don’t worry: we haven’t killed our writers or changed our editorial vision in any way. We’ve simply hooked up with a new distributor who is concentrated on marketing The Ephemeris to the big box book chains, along with increasing our internet presence (Amazon, Barnes & Noble.com) while still catering to independent booksellers and tobacconists. In the next few weeks, you’ll be able to walk into virtually any bookstore in the USA and purchase our book. (If you don’t see it on the shelves, ask your retailer to order a copy for you. Most any bookseller worth their salt can have it delivered to their store within 48 hours.)

For our European readers, don’t think we haven’t forgotten you. We were also courting an international distributor with headquarters in England and Australia. Unfortunately, the deal fell through when they started making ridiculous demands concerning packaging, editorial direction, advertising, etc. You see, we feel that The Ephemeris should cost the same low price all over the world ($10.99 list, 9.99 through our site). But our potential Euro distributor wanted to charge £9.99 everywhere outside of the USA- about $16.16 at the time of this writing. Their reasoning? “Because the market will bear it.”

Hogwash! The main reason we wanted a European presence was to save on shipping charges from the US. But with the jacked up cover price, it would have still been cheaper for international customers to order from our US based warehouse. Maybe next year...

On to the magazine, er, bookazine. (Yes, that’s what our distributor calls our publication. I still prefer the term sleaze rag.) Whatever you call it, it puts our previous four editions to shame. It’s almost twice the size of our older digest format, and at 110 pages it contains about 25% more content than the last few issues. The printing and binding are a 100% improvement over the efforts of our indie mom & pop printers that we struggled with since 2010. Gone are the misglued spines, the saddle stitched, miscut pages, the misprinted covers, etc. The Snuff Taker’s Ephemeris is going to be printed at one of the best printing presses in North America, the same folks who bring you the latest Clive Cussler and Stephen King books every week. I don’t want to jinx us too badly here, but in short, this book should meet your very stringent demands. (Hopefully!)

You may have noticed that our cover price has increased slightly. We had absolutely no control over it. The minimum list price that we were allotted was 10.99. This is what you can expect to pay at your local bookstore or through Amazon. HOWEVER, for as long as feasibly possible, we will sell The Ephemeris for 9.99 at our website, www.STephemeris.com . Our shipping costs will more than likely increase as well, owing to the larger size and weight of the new format, but we will hold off on raising the rates (again) as long as we possibly can. 

New Lower Price!

 

Now that you’ve heard the bad news, here’s the good: we’ve lowered the price of our digital editions. That’s right; in order to stay as competitive as possible in the burgeoning e-book trade, we’ve dropped the price of our e-zine to 50% off the cover price of our print edition. At a mere 4.99 a copy, there’s no better way for first-time readers to check us out and find out what all the fuss is about. Our long time readers will appreciate the extra pocket change they get to hold onto, as well. 

Dent and ding back issue sale! 40% off!

As we near the end of our back issue supply for Volumes One and Three (our only remaining print back issues- - but don’t forget, our E-Zines are always in stock!) we’re coming to the more, uh, “weathered” copies. Most of these are Newsstand returns, meaning they’ve made the journey from the printer to the warehouse, then to the retailer, then back to us: chances are, they’ve picked up a few dents and dings along the way. But nothing too major, a minor scuff here or there or a slightly miscut edge or spine.

So, we decided to hold a sale for the next few days (as long as supplies last) and offer our remaining stock for 42% off cover price: a measly 4.99 a book!  Yes, we’re losing money on this deal. Yes, we’re crazy. And yes, we hope that with this low introductory offer, you’ll maybe buy a couple of copies and send them off to a friend who isn’t aware of just how magnificent a bookazine The Snuff Taker’s Ephemeris is.

So, to sum it all up:
 

1. Volume Five ships first week of May. Feel free to place your order now and we’ll ship it as soon as we get our supply.

2. All of our back issues are on sale. Get them while you still can.

3. Thank you for being the best readership we could ever hope for!

H&H

"I Got a Letter From the Government...

...the other day. I opened, and read it, and said they was suckas!"

It's true. But this one came from the Canadian government.

Waaaaaaay back in Volume II we featured a one-page painting submitted by a reader. This was a tasteful semi-nude study in silhouette and we added "Coming next issue" graphics over it. Remember? 

About 6 months ago a Canadian reader wrote to inform us that she never received her copy of Volume II. We sent her another copy and this one reached her fairly quickly. All was well and forgotten.

This week, we finally found out what happened to her missing copy. Apparently, Canadian Customs intercepted the package and then destroyed it. According to the form letter, it was denied entry due to being "obscene, pornographic" and then sentenced to death.

My teachers always warned my parents that I was going to grow up to be a sleazy pornographer. I guess they were right!

I suppose that this was in reference to the nude painting. The checkbox didn't specify which part of the magazine was "obscene, pornographic" so I can only make educated assumptions here. Maybe it was Bill Johnson's reference to "pokeberry chew" that got their feather ruffled.

It could be worse. An American citizen was arrested by Canadian Customs officials and charged with trafficking in child pornography because his laptop had dirty manga on it. Apparently even cartoons as innocuous as Sailor Moon and The Power Puff Girls are deemed obscene by some agents, and travelers entering Canada can be facing a minimum of one year in prison for attempting to bring in such filth as The Story of O or Nabokov's Lolita.

Even worse, while these books may have been controversial during the 1950's, they haven't caused the average American to bat an eye in the last fifty years or so. (Of course, there's always that one parental advocate group in Alabama or Massachusetts that wants to ban Harry Potter or any book that features talking animals.) But if you're convicted in Canada for possessing illegal material like this, guess what? The United States reciprocates the Canadian sex offender registry program, no matter the charge.

Take that in for a minute. Say you get on a plane to fly to Ontario or whatever. You're packing a Hustler or Penthouse in your carry on. You get arrested and charged with trafficking in child pornography because under the draconian wording of Canadian law, that naked centerfold dressed up like a schoolgirl is imitating a minor, therefore it's child pornography. You do at least a year in Canadian prison and then come back to the United States, only to be forced to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life.

"I just won't bring in any porno mags," you say. But what if they confiscate your laptop and search your hard drive and find pictures of your eight year old daughter playing on a Slip n' Slide? Or say you have your daughter with you, and she has a Kim Possible coloring book with her? The same rules apply.

This isn't just a paranoid "what if" scenario, these are all situations that have actually happened to US and European citizens flying into Canada. Thankfully, the last two cases were thrown out of court, but the damage was still done to those men and their families.

While I find it pretty hilarious that they considered The Ephemeris obscene, the Canadian border agents that engage in such a blatant abuse of power should be taken very seriously. I say we send Chuck D after them and let God sort them out.

"You have absolutely no idea just how white you are right now."

Volume II Officially Sold Out

Well, it took a year to happen, but we've finally sold out of all the print copies of Volume II. (Take that, Time and Newsweek! I bet they'll be swimming in thousands of unsold copies of their Feb. 2011 issues for another twenty years!) All remaining orders placed by today (Feb 2nd) will of course be filled. Unlike our second printing of Volume One, we have absolutely no intention of reprinting any subsequent issues, so once they're gone, they're gone.

If you failed to order Volume II, don't despair. Our digital editions are always for sale and they look really snazzy to boot. I'm told that .pdf stands for "portable document format," but I'm pretty sure it means "pretty darn fabulous" when it comes to describing our e-zines.

Also, our shipping department just informed me that we have less than 50 copies of our special limited edition Halloween Cover copy of Volume IV.  Which means that they'll probably be sitting around the warehouse for another five years, seeing as everybody hated it. Don't worry, we won't try to veer too far away from our standard design again anytime soon. We learned our lesson, honest!

Happy 2012!

Yes, I know this post is about a month late. But I've got a good excuse- we've been busy as heck getting the new issue up to par. Like we alluded to in the last couple of blog posts, there are some big changes in store for The Ephemeris, and it's taken a lot of effort to be put into motion. Most of the details are still top secret, but we'll share them as soon as possible.

Secondly, we've been getting a lot of mail lately along the lines of "I want to buy Volume X, is it still in stock?" Yes. If the issue is advertised for sale on our site, it means that it is currently in stock. When we run out of copies, we'll put a big "Sold Out" banner on the issue in question. 

Another question we've been getting is "I haven't seen you guys around on the forums lately, are you still in business?" Again, we've been really busy getting the new format streamlined, so we haven't had as much time to frequent our various tobacco forums. But heck yeah, we're still in business! We're not going anywhere anytime soon.

Finally, we wish to address one more semi-frequent question we get. "Why aren't you guys available at my local big box bookstore?" All we can say is... stay tuned.

Volume Four Coming Soon! (Bonus: Paranormal Activity 3 Review)

If you haven't yet pre-ordered your copy of Volume IV, get it now before it sells out! Advance demand for this issue seems to be pretty high for some reason, whether it's the limited edition cover or the massive Type O Negative article, I'm not sure. But folks are talking about it. I just dropped off the final proof at the printer and if all goes well. It will be in stores Halloween afternoon, and hopefully we can start shipping out internet orders that morning if we get our batch back from the printers soon enough.

I got a letter the other day that asked why we don't list the contents of each issue until after it hits the stands. The reason is that because right up until the day we send the new issue to the printer, the contents are subject to change at any moment. I don't want anyone to accuse us of false advertisement if they specifically purchase a new issue based solely on one or two articles that end up on the chopping block by the time the copy actually hits stores. It's frustrating, so we prefer to keep the contents of each issue under wraps until we're sure of what is going to end up in it.

A good example of this disappointment is the new movie Paranormal Activity 3. Now, I personally despised the first two movies in the series. Ever since The Blair Witch Project, it seems like all you need to make a blockbuster horror film is a couple of cheap camcorders and some viral marketing buzz. I'll take an 80's slasher movie any day of the week over one of these shaky-cam "Oh my God, did you hear that?" faux-documentaries that the kids seem to eat up. But in all fairness, this one looked a lot better than the first two based on the trailers and TV spots I'd seen.

My wife wanted to see it, so being the good husband I am, I indulged her wish. I'm not going to reveal any spoilers, but I think potential viewers should note that absolutely none of the cool scenes that were shown in the trailer actually occur in the film. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Do a google search and you'll find that 60% of the trailer is comprised of footage that isn't actually in the film. Talk about false advertisement!

It's not unheard of for a major film to feature a minor scene or two in a pre-release trailer that ends up cut or altered in the final edit. But even after Paranormal Activity 3 was released, Paramount was issuing new trailers and TV spots featuring even more new footage that wasn't actually in the movie. This is a blatant deception when you think about it. How would you feel if we ran advertisements for STE Volume Four claiming that it featured interviews with President Obama and nude pics of Lady Gaga, only to find that when you receive your copy, there's nothing of the sort inside. You'd feel ripped off and want your money back, right?

That's how I felt leaving the theater after watching Paranormal Activity 3. I had just watched an 80 minute snoozefest. NOTHING happened in the movie until the last two anti-climactic moments. I was surprised by the short running time; watching people walk around and talking for the entire movie made it seem like it was twice as long as it actually was. And worst of all, the scenes that I was waiting to see never materialized. This was the first time I wanted to be refunded for a movie ticket since I sat through Deep Rising thirteen years ago. And while Deep Rising was a terrible, terrible film, at least it was mildly entertaining and all of the scenes featured in the trailer actually made it into the final cut. (You know the only time I ever received a refund on a movie ticket? Back in 2003, I walked out of House of the Dead after about ten minutes and was so pissed off that the manager actually handed me six bucks and a free movie pass).

So dear readers, just know that we would never intentionally bait and switch you like Paramount did with Paranormal Activity 3. We actually respect you and want your return business.

In other Ephemeris news, columnist Bill Johnson is being awarded a "Lifetime Achievement Award" in the area of Sports Broadcasting by one of our local (Fayetteville NC) radio stations. Giving the commencement speech will be yours truly, followed by a slideshow of pics from the 50's through the 90's. The ceremony will be held November 1st, and we'll be happy to pass along any congrats and accolades you wish to send to Mr. Johnson.

That's all for now. Till next time!

Happy Labor Day!

Classy. Refined. Laminated.

Volume III hit the stands September 1st and from the feedback we're getting from our retailers, it's a smash hit! It seems that with our new gloss laminate cover, people are mistaking us less and less for the Old Farmer's Almanac. That's a good thing, I think. If you haven't yet ordered your copy, get it now while we still have it in stock.

Folks have been asking me about something that we haven't really brought up before in public. I figured it was time to address it. I got an irate email from a reader in Des Moines who wanted to know why her cousin in Vermont got a signed and numbered version of Volume III while hers was the standard non-numbered edition. She felt as though she had been slighted.

BWAAHHH! You no send me limited edition! BWAAAAHHHH!

The explanation is really quite simple. See, most small printers have a batch number of printings per day that they do for each client, that way every customer's project moves along at a comparable rate. If I order 5,000 copies of The Ephemeris to be printed up, it usually takes a week to complete my order because they only print up between 500-1,000 copies a day. (Another reason for this is that if a flaw is discovered in one batch, it's a lot easier to toss out 1,000 copies than it is to toss out the entire order.)

Because of my OCD, I'm usually on hand in the print shop while the first batch is being printed. This leaves me with nothing to do for several hours except watch the print guy putt around back and forth touching machinery and answering phone calls. Usually the covers are printed first and later married to the rest of the manuscript. While I'm waiting for the interior pages to be printed and bound, I keep my sanity by numbering and/or signing each cover from the first batch before it goes back into the bindery.

We call these copies "First Day Printings", and they're limited to 500 copies and sent out to our first 500 pre-ordering customers. All copies are shipped out in the order in which they were received, so if you placed your pre-order as soon as it went up for sale on our site, you stand a much better chance of getting a Limited Edition copy than someone who places their order on the day before it hits stores. And that's exactly what happened to the lady in Des Moines. She placed her order August 31st while her cousin placed an order earlier in the month. The early bird got the worm, so the saying goes.

To answer another question, the copies aren't sent out sequentially. Just because you got issue number 49 doesn't mean that you were the 49th person to order that Volume, it just means that number 49 happened to be sitting on the top of the stack when Jasper stuffed your envelope. It could have just as easily been number 499 or 94, it really all depends on how that case was filled at the printer. (I do have Jasper set aside a few copies when he finds them. #1 and #500 go to me, and Mick usually gets #2,3 and 4. Other than that, every number is fair game).

So there you go, the inside scoop on our limited edition copies. We've never publicized these limited editions, even though we've done them since Volume One. We just thought it would be a nice Easter Egg for our faithful customers, and we appreciate everyone who places early orders. It helps us protect our bottom line and in the case of Volume III, it allowed us to add the last-minute laminated cover upgrade. This was something I wanted to do in the first place, but it wasn't in our budget until we had a massive wave of pre-ordering customers. (We could have very easily pocketed the money and gone to the strip club like Mick wanted to do, but common sense won out and we stayed home watching Breaking Bad.)

In non-related news, Chad and C.Nash have started their own forum. It's called gosmokeless.org and I think (though I'm not positive) that it has something to do with smokeless tobacco. Go find out.

Chad (left) and Nash (right) urge you to visit their most excellent new forum.

Till next time!

Volume III Pre-release party!

View all the behind the scenes footage from our recent party! Many of our staff writers and editorial department make a cameo. Then come over to our site and pre-order Volume III! In stores September 1st.

Volume Three up for Pre-Order

Woo-hoo! We have our third action-packed issue up for pre-order now.

You may have noticed that we're also offering DIGITAL EDITIONS of all three issues. There's several reasons why you should consider an E-copy:

• Eco-friendly. Save the trees!
• Portable and convenient.
• Instant gratification! Your copy will be emailed to you within 24 hours. (Pre-orders still have to wait until newsstand street release date.)
• Free shipping!
• Guaranteed to always be in stock. When our printed inventory of a particular issue sells out, you'll always have the digital alternative. 
• High-res PDF format means you can zoom and enlarge to your heart's content!

Of course, there's always the drawbacks to consider:

• It's not a "real" book, so it inherently sucks.
• If you wish to pass it on to your grandkids one day, you'll need to make sure that your method of storage is not obsolete in forty years. 
• Staring at a computer screen is lame. You're probably doing it right now and you don't even realize it. You should be ashamed. 

As you can see, I'm kind of skeptical of e-books in general. I believe that a book should be printed on paper and I'll never understand the digital book revolution. But it's not my decision; we've always said from the start that The Ephemeris is your book and we give our readers what they want. Many of you wanted an e-copy, and we listened. And we guarantee that this digital version is packed with the same amount of quality and attention to detail that we put into our printed edition. We hope you'll enjoy it!

21st Century Digital Boy

You might have heard that we recently conducted an informal poll of sorts to determine whether or not our fans wanted to see a digital edition of The Ephemeris. The response was near unanimous- "Keep the print edition, but produce a digital edition for the folks that can't be bothered to read a real book." So we took the advice and ran with it.

However, there's good news and bad news. The good news is for folks that want to read their digital copy on a laptop, desktop or smartphone. The .pdf edition of The Snuff Taker's Ephemeris looks great! It's the next best thing to owning the printed edition. It will be offered for sale side-by-side with our print edition when Volume Three launches, which is still weeks away.

The bad news is for folks that wanted to see The Ephemeris in an ebook format. It's simply not going to happen anytime soon. The reasons are plenty. Mainly it's because the technology just isn't suited for our magazine.

E-readers: no longer "just for douchebags".

See, we tried to produce a .mobi and .epub version in-house, but it just wasn't happening. Those two standards simply don't mesh with our style. We use several proprietary fonts and some special formatting, which are completely impossible to reproduce in mobi/epub. So we decided to send Volume 1 and 2 to some professionals to sort out.

Volume One was sent to Conversion House A in California, Volume Two was sent to Conversion House B in Michigan. Conversion House A didn't even bother trying to convert it. The guy on the phone told me that it would be impossible to duplicate in an ebook format. Then he tried to charge me 62.00 for the "consultation". I lol'd in my pants.

Converter B was much more professional in their demeanor. The lady there sent me a couple of translated pages and told me that it was the best they could come up with. I didn't even recognize it, it was so different. All of the font, layout, formatting, etc was changed and it looked atrocious. Most of our photographs and captions had to be dropped. All of the color has to be converted to greyscale. And to top it off, the page-by-page cost of conversion was more than I paid to have it printed!

The lady on the phone could tell I wasn't impressed with the end result, and she was very honest in her assessment. "Magazines and comics simply don't work on e-readers. The technology isn't there yet, and until they make one that can read .pdf files in full color, they're never going to be more than a niche product." You got that right.

This looks like GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, we tried very hard to accommodate the gaggle of Kindle and Nook people that wanted to be able to read the STE on their e-readers, but it just isn't possible at this time. There's no way we can sink a small fortune into producing a truncated, bastardized and watered-down ebook edition after we've spent so much time and effort into making a deluxe, quality product. It would be a sin.  

Update on the Canada Post Situation

The strike ended last week and we sent out all of our Canadian orders. We're getting word back that some of them have arrived already, so if you're still waiting on your order it should be there shortly. Or not. Canada Post still sucks.

Attention Canadian Customers

Suggested new slogan for Canada Post : "We suck, and everyone knows it. But what can you do?"

I honestly thought you guys had your postal strike under wraps by now. Imagine my surprise when all of our Canadian orders were returned to us this morning! Apparently your country isn't accepting any US mail at this time, so we're going to hold them until the "Worst Postal System In The World" gets its act together. If you would rather have a refund, just contact us at distribution@STephemeris.com.